It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
