You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
