Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
