mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
