Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
