she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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