i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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