I don't think brook has ever known best
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
