this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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