trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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