I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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