This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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