I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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