I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
