rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
