I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
