I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
