There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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