Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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