You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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