someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
