So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
