I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
