I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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