Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
