I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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