I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
