i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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