I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
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