Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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