i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
