I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
