Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
