I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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