someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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