we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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