also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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