Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
