She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i would punch a child for taco bell
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Your penis caused this!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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