Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
