I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
