I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
