Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
