I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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