Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
