Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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