Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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