Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
