Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
