I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
