she looked like the before picture.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
