You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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